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Experts agree divorce is
emotionally trying for children
of any age, and teenagers are
no exception. The normal
stresses of growing through the
teen years can be compounded
by a family breakup or by the
presence of stepparents.
Sensitivity to a teenager’s emotional
needs is an especially
important trait for a divorced
parent or stepparent. Even the
most amicable divorce tugs at
the foundations of parent/child
relationships. With loving care
those relationships can
become stronger.
The suggestions below touch on
only a few of many ways family
members can support a teen
during and following divorce.
Relationships following divorce
- Learn to tolerate a reasonable level of anger and disagreement. Divorce often is
a source of added anger and frustration.
- Avoid speaking ill of your former spouse in front of your children.
- Maintain the best possible relationship with your former spouse. A child’s
adjustment to divorce is directly related to the intensity and length of
parental conflict.
- If children spend time with both parents, consider living relatively near one
another. Stay in the same school district, if possible. Regardless of whether
parents are divorced, social activities with parents and family are a second
choice for teens. A parent living away from "the action" is likely to have a bigger
battle for family time than a parent living nearby.
Dating and remarriage
- Maintain a child-oriented focus, even in the midst of forming new romantic
relationships. Don’t introduce new relationships to your teen until the
relationship seems to be solid. Keep in mind that each person who becomes involved with your teen and then leaves will cause a
loss for him or her. Your teen still needs stability, not a
swinging door of new partners coming and going in his
or her life. See new partners during the time your children
are with their other parent until you are sure this
relationship is going somewhere, then introduce the
new partner into your children’s lives slowly.
- Be aware that teens quickly pick up on "do as I say,
not as I do" messages. Teenagers will note if you
advise them not to have sex before marriage, but then
see you have a dating partner spend the night. If your
former spouse begins living with a new partner outside
of marriage, explain to your teen that you and your former
spouse do not agree on everything, and that is
OK. Talk to your teen about what should be present in a relationship if it is
going to be a sexual one. It will give your teen the information needed to make
responsible decisions.
- Do not cast stepparents as a replacement for natural parents. Do not insist on
expressions of affection if they are not sincere. Do not force the use of "dad"
or "mom" for a stepparent unless the teen is comfortable using the terms.
- The more respect you show for your former spouse, the more respect you can
gain for a present or future stepparent, as well as yourself.
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