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Experts agree divorce is emotionally
trying for children of any age. The
normal stresses of growing up can be
compounded by a family breakup or by
the presence of stepparents.
Sensitivity to a child’s emotional needs
is an especially important trait for a
divorced parent or stepparent. Even
the most amicable divorce tugs at the
foundations of parent/child
relationships. With loving care those
relationships can become stronger.
The suggestions below touch on only a
few of many ways family members can
support a child during and following
divorce.
Relationships following divorce
- Learn to tolerate a reasonable level of anger and disagreement. The divorce
situation often is a source of added anger and frustration.
- Avoid speaking ill of your former spouse in front of your children.
- Maintain the best possible relationship with your former spouse. A child’s
adjustment to divorce is directly related to the intensity and length of parental
conflict.
- If children spend time with both parents, consider living relatively near one
another. Stay in the same school district, if possible.
Dating and remarriage
- Maintain a child-oriented focus, even in the midst of forming new romantic
relationships. Don’t introduce new relationships to your children until the
relationship seems to be solid. Keep in mind that each person who becomes
involved with your children and then leaves will cause a loss for your child. Your
children need stability, not a swinging door of new partners coming and going in
their lives. See new partners during the time that your child is with the other
parent until you are sure this relationship is going somewhere, then introduce
the new partner into your child’s life slowly.
- Be aware that children quickly pick up on “Do as I say, not as I do” messages.
They will note if you advise them not to have sex before marriage, but then see
you have a dating partner spend the night. If your former spouse begins living
with a new partner outside of marriage, explain to your child that “Mom and
Dad do not agree on everything, and that is OK.” Talk to your older child about
what should be present in a relationship if it is going to be a sexual one. It will
give your child the information needed to make responsible decisions later.
- Do not cast stepparents as a replacement for natural parents. Do not insist on
expressions of affection if they are not sincere. Do not force the use of “dad” or
“mom” for a stepparent unless your child is comfortable using the terms.
- The more respect you show for your former spouse, the more respect you can
gain for a present or future stepparent, as well as for yourself.
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